Breaking through barriers
I know It’s hard to live not knowing what is next… not knowing if everything is going to work out. Not knowing if you will ever live a life that is less about suffering and more about succeeding.
My whole life, I have tried to make a testimony that things get better. That if I seek God with my whole heart all will be well and reader, I always wanted you to believe the same for yourself.
I know some days are hard and it doesn’t seem that you can walk another step. I know this because I have been there.
I have hit rock bottom and I have even stayed there for a while. I stayed at this low point trying to find what was next for me as I clawed at the walls of the depression that I had become imprisoned in.
Like many who have felt defeated by their depression, I felt:
And despite it all, I felt like no one cared. I’m sure you realize that this is a prescription for tragedy.
And for me it was. It landed me in a hospital… yes, a psychiatric unit, after admitting to my therapist that I had plans to end my life.
I was then deemed a risk to my life. I was watched constantly and wasn’t able to go into my room alone. Psychologists watched me through windows and reported to my family as if they actually spoke with me.
I had no laces on my shoes and they cut the hood off of my sweatshirt, they even felt it was necessary to cut the ribbon out of my Bible. If it could be used to take my life or injure myself it was taken away.
I had no choice but to keep going while they tried to stabilize me on a regimen of three different drugs, one to up serotonin, one to increase dopamine and give me energy and the other to balance my mood.
Taken together it achieved the result of zombifying.
To this day there are still times I question myself and my decisions to fight my depression and in such a public way. I do this to be a voice and a light to others struggling and a source of understanding for those who aren’t.
This isn’t an easy or glamorous task. It’s difficult and anxiety provoking. There are times, I start to write a post only to delete it in its entirety for the fear of failure because I still have this lingering darkness that tells me I will never be good enough and that no one wants to hear my words anyway.
Maybe, someday I will write with a confidence that someone is listening and not letting my words drift their way into cyber-space unread and not moving a soul.
Maybe, someday my hospitalization will be an experience that I can look back on and be certain that it was the right thing instead of a way to confirm my label of “broken.”
Maybe someday, things will turn around and I will have a flame burning so brightly within me– One that speaks of life and the saving powers of a loving God.
Until then, reader, I think it’s a mere necessity to keep seeking and believing in a God that is greater. And harness the power of reaching out to our supporters.